The Yeshivish Dating System is Really F*CKED Up!
I'm really fed up with the Yeshivish Dating System. I'm sick of yeshivish people complaining that they can't get any dates, but at the same time relying on a system that isn't conducive to meeting people.
The Yeshivish Dating System (as viewed by me):
1. The parents are completely in charge of the who the son/daughter dates
2. Too much research is done into the potential date: just go out with the person and see for yourself if you like them or not!
3. Too many dating rules (eg., can only go to a lobby on the first date)
4. Can only date for about a month, if you're not sure about a person within a few dates, you'd better dump them right away!
5. Almost forgot the most stupidest item on the list: Solely relying on a shadchan!
I never fully understood how stupid this system is until I became good friends with a yeshivish school-mate. She has NOTHING to do with finding potential guys. Her parents contact shadchanim on her behalf, after awhile the shadchan will get back to her parents with the name of an available guy. They proceed to call a bunch of the guy's references, and eventually, if they feel that he's perfect enough for their daughter, they'll give the go-ahead, and she'll go out with him. Invariably, they'll go on one date, and that's it. Let's get this straight: weeks of checking out someone, only to go out with him ONCE!!! That's really screwed up.
If someone is mature enough to get married, they should be the ones calling the shadchanim and telling the shadchan what they're looking for. Possibly, the parents aren't completely privy to all aspects of their daughter. I know that when I was looking for a guy, I wouldn't have told my parents that I wanted to marry someone that wouldn't care if I covered my hair or not. Children don't always feel comfortable telling their parents everything.
I'm also bothered by the extensive "checking out" of potential dating partners.
To quote my husband, here's why checking someone out isn't necessarily so helpful:
"2) You risk eliminating someone who appears bad but whose true personality and deeds can not be accurately captured by those who know him.What could you possibly ask that would give you true insight into a person's character? There is not one person in this world (ex. my wife who might have some idea), including my family and best friends, who could give you an accurate description of who I really am. They could tell you how often I went to shul or learned or whether I watched movies, but they could not fully capture my true feelings toward my life philosophies or beliefs. They couldn't tell you if I quietly deliver meals to poor people or visit the sick on shabbos. They also couldn't tell you if I went home and watched TV on shabbos after davening. They couldn't tell you if I went to bars after work or if I wrote seforim under a pseudonym. I truly wonder how many people would be married if each spouse knew each other's idiosyncrasies before they went out."
In my humble opinion, the only way to really know someone is to date them.
Another person on H.com had this point to make:
"The purpose of dating is to educate yourself before you get married. Real information about a person can only come from interacting with them on a meaningful level.The question becomes is it more strategically advantagous to investigate people with the assumed risk of creating false negatives than to go out with anyone and assume the risk of marrying someone inappropriate."
Another problem with the dating system is pressure to get engaged quickly. A major problem with this is that you will most likely overlook very important personality problems (that can cause divorce later on). Or you might just fall in love very quickly, and a month later, you realize that this person is completely wrong for you.
Don't make a decision so quickly! Take your time, date within a time frame that YOU feel comfortable with. It's not a race. Just because Joe Shmoe got engaged within a month, does not mean that you need to also!
It really angers me when people will ONLY use a shadchan. Nowadays we have so many dating outlets, and they should all be utilized.
Just because you are yeshivish, this does not mean that these methods should be beneath you. Who knows you better than a friend? If your friend suggests someone, go out with them!!!!
Broaden the dating pool, nowadays we have all of these options:
Dating Websites (Frumster, Saw You at Sinai, FutureSimchas, etc.)
Many singles events (Aish, EndTheMadness.org, Gateways, etc)
Organize a shabbos meal and invite a bunch of people!!!!!
I get so annoyed when people will constantly refuse to attend a mixed meal or event. What do you think will happen? You might meet a nice person, exchange numbers, go on a nice date, and maybe marry them??? Oh no. . . we don't want that to happen! How terrible would that be???
We really do need to END THE MADNESS!!!!!!
The Yeshivish Dating System (as viewed by me):
1. The parents are completely in charge of the who the son/daughter dates
2. Too much research is done into the potential date: just go out with the person and see for yourself if you like them or not!
3. Too many dating rules (eg., can only go to a lobby on the first date)
4. Can only date for about a month, if you're not sure about a person within a few dates, you'd better dump them right away!
5. Almost forgot the most stupidest item on the list: Solely relying on a shadchan!
I never fully understood how stupid this system is until I became good friends with a yeshivish school-mate. She has NOTHING to do with finding potential guys. Her parents contact shadchanim on her behalf, after awhile the shadchan will get back to her parents with the name of an available guy. They proceed to call a bunch of the guy's references, and eventually, if they feel that he's perfect enough for their daughter, they'll give the go-ahead, and she'll go out with him. Invariably, they'll go on one date, and that's it. Let's get this straight: weeks of checking out someone, only to go out with him ONCE!!! That's really screwed up.
If someone is mature enough to get married, they should be the ones calling the shadchanim and telling the shadchan what they're looking for. Possibly, the parents aren't completely privy to all aspects of their daughter. I know that when I was looking for a guy, I wouldn't have told my parents that I wanted to marry someone that wouldn't care if I covered my hair or not. Children don't always feel comfortable telling their parents everything.
I'm also bothered by the extensive "checking out" of potential dating partners.
To quote my husband, here's why checking someone out isn't necessarily so helpful:
"2) You risk eliminating someone who appears bad but whose true personality and deeds can not be accurately captured by those who know him.What could you possibly ask that would give you true insight into a person's character? There is not one person in this world (ex. my wife who might have some idea), including my family and best friends, who could give you an accurate description of who I really am. They could tell you how often I went to shul or learned or whether I watched movies, but they could not fully capture my true feelings toward my life philosophies or beliefs. They couldn't tell you if I quietly deliver meals to poor people or visit the sick on shabbos. They also couldn't tell you if I went home and watched TV on shabbos after davening. They couldn't tell you if I went to bars after work or if I wrote seforim under a pseudonym. I truly wonder how many people would be married if each spouse knew each other's idiosyncrasies before they went out."
In my humble opinion, the only way to really know someone is to date them.
Another person on H.com had this point to make:
"The purpose of dating is to educate yourself before you get married. Real information about a person can only come from interacting with them on a meaningful level.The question becomes is it more strategically advantagous to investigate people with the assumed risk of creating false negatives than to go out with anyone and assume the risk of marrying someone inappropriate."
Another problem with the dating system is pressure to get engaged quickly. A major problem with this is that you will most likely overlook very important personality problems (that can cause divorce later on). Or you might just fall in love very quickly, and a month later, you realize that this person is completely wrong for you.
Don't make a decision so quickly! Take your time, date within a time frame that YOU feel comfortable with. It's not a race. Just because Joe Shmoe got engaged within a month, does not mean that you need to also!
It really angers me when people will ONLY use a shadchan. Nowadays we have so many dating outlets, and they should all be utilized.
Just because you are yeshivish, this does not mean that these methods should be beneath you. Who knows you better than a friend? If your friend suggests someone, go out with them!!!!
Broaden the dating pool, nowadays we have all of these options:
Dating Websites (Frumster, Saw You at Sinai, FutureSimchas, etc.)
Many singles events (Aish, EndTheMadness.org, Gateways, etc)
Organize a shabbos meal and invite a bunch of people!!!!!
I get so annoyed when people will constantly refuse to attend a mixed meal or event. What do you think will happen? You might meet a nice person, exchange numbers, go on a nice date, and maybe marry them??? Oh no. . . we don't want that to happen! How terrible would that be???
We really do need to END THE MADNESS!!!!!!
posted by Mir @ 5:00 PM
1 Comments:
At 6:16 PM,
Josh said…
Your absolutely right. Everyone needs to stand up for their own comfort level. Tell your parents, your shadchan, your date, whomever, if you don't feel that certain rules are necessary. If you do it appropriately, maybe they'll let you get away with it. Breaking the first rule is the hardest, but I think it could spread pretty fast. There's nothing wrong with having some baseline standards, but that doesn't meant that people who work outside of them need to be ostracized.
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