How tampons ruined a friendship
This past December my friend (we'll call her Lori) invited me over for shabbos.
At the time she had one kid.
The shabbos started off terribly, her asshole husband kept purposely mispronouncing my name, I felt that he did this out of lack of respect because I was single.
After friday night dinner we went to her neigbor's for an oneg shabbat which proved to be the most uncomfortable and rude experience I had ever encountered. All the people at the oneg were married couples, and during the entire evening, they completely ignored me. I think they felt that since I was single, I had no life experience and therefore was not able to engage in such high-brow conversation. (Keep in mind, I'm 24, have a bachelor's of science, and have held a great job for 3 years).
At some point during this evening from hell, I started yawning. Suddenly they decided to acknowledge me. "Oh," the hostess said, "we must be boring you with stories of our children."
I politely answered, "No, I'm tired." Then walked out of the apartment, and then returned to my friend's apartment (and promptly burst into tears).
The rest of the shabbos was mediocre, thank G-d it was during the winter and shabbos ended mercifully early.
Two weeks later Lori called me.
"Mir," she said, "I don't want to start a fight or anything. . . but. . ."
"But what?" I inquired.
"Well, when you were at my house for shabbos did you take any tampons?"
In fact, I had. I'd woken up in the middle of the night, needed a tampon, so I opened the door to the cabinet under the sink and took one.
"Yes, I took one or two."
"Don't you think you should have asked first?"
I was completely flabbergasted.
"Well, I didn't think that you'd want me knocking on your door and waking up you, your husband, and baby at 1am."
"You should've asked first."
I was so shocked at being accused of stealing from a friend, that I just said a curt goodbye and hung up the phone.
After that encounter, we didn't speak to each other for months.
I just felt very uncomfortable being friends with someone that takes inventory of their tampon supply (btw, she had a huge box of 80 tampons from Costco, I don't know how she even knew one or two were missing).
Oh, to make matters worse - she was pregnant at the time. So why's she bitching about? She doesn't even need the damn things!
So, the other day, I heard from my friend that she was telling someone about my tampon thievery (this is about 10 months after the situation occured). I realized that it was crazy that this squabble had gone on for so long, so I wrote her this letter:
Dear Lori,
I listened to your voicemail about 3 weeks ago, I have yet to return your call because I feel very awkward speaking to you. Oh, just to let you know, this is not a letter of apology, this is a letter of explanation.
I was extremely shocked the night that you called and accused me of stealing tampons. I could not believe that someone I considered a close friend would ever interpret taking TWO tampons as stealing. In my experience in having guests over and in being a guest, there is an unwritten rule that you don’t have to ask before using toilet paper, band-aids, or tampons. I can’t believe that you a) made a huge deal out of something that cost about 16 cents and b) you were pregnant at the time, what were you doing, expecting me to steal, so you COUNTED???? I can’t fathom that a friend would do this. It’s like you were expecting me to take something so you took inventory.
And please don’t say to me, “Mirra, you yourself were telling me over Shabbos that your roommate stole from you, and now you’re taking things from me???”
This is a completely different situation. That girl took items that were high money value, after I specifically told her that she couldn’t use them. Also you were my supposed FRIEND, I never realized that I needed to ask before taking tampons.
I suggest that in the future, you think a little bit before you call people you consider friends and make rude accusations. Maybe think a little bit about how it will affect your friendship with them. I’m your friend, not your husband, or family member, I don’t have to love you unconditionally. When someone calls me up and accuses me of stealing, it makes it hard to be their friend in return.
I felt uncomfortable inviting someone to my wedding that blatantly accused me of stealing.
The only thing that I regret is the fact that this issue wasn’t addressed sooner.
~Mir
I received this reply:
Dear Mir,
First of all, I agree that this was a stupid way to lose what was a good friendship. Second of all, I did not take inventory of my tampons. I did not know at the time that I was pregnant. I was upset not because you necessarily took tampons...it wasn't the point. The point was you went into my cabinet to look for the tampons. I had pregnancy tests in there that I didn't want seen. The reason I knew you took tampons is cuz I heard you open the cabinet. I was expecting my period (only I was pregnant and didn't know it), so I needed (or so I thought) a sufficient amount of tampons. The only reason I brought it up to you is cuz I thought you would understand where I was coming from as far as going through my things, since you told me about your roomate situation. I, in no way, meant for it to be blown out of proportion, certainly not to lose a friendship over it. Had I had known that it was going to turn out this way, I never would have mentioned it. I wasn't calling you a stealer. I was trying to make a point that it's not appropriate to look in people's cabinets. Yes, as a guest, toilet paper and additional needs are allowed to be used. However, because I had pregnancy tests in there and didn't want them seen, it would be have been thoughtful of you to ask me to borrow tampons. You know I'm not that much of a bitch that I wouldn't allow you to use my tampons. Yes, I know they're not expensive. I figure since you and I have been friends for a long time, you would not feel uncomfortable to tell me you had your period and ask me for tampons. Let's say (since you're married now) that I had a terrible headache while being a guest in your house, I would not go looking for tylenol. I would ask you for it because it's not my place to look through your medicine cabinet to find it. Maybe you had prenatal vitamins in there that you didn't want me to see. I'm trying to get you to be in my shoes at the time and see my view of the situation. I guess we were both because of our pride didn't bother calling one another to discuss the situation. Therefore, I missed out on a good friend's engagement and wedding, and you missed out on having me involved in the celebrations.
If you feel like patching up our friendship, you can call me. I don't have access to the internet at home currently, so I won't be able to check for an e-mail reply til who knows when.
-Lori
Ok, so now I'm a little confused, but I still feel as though she's in the wrong.
I find it condescending that she wrote, "Since you're married now."
Oh, before marriage I was an immature singleton and my bathroom was a free for all? I'm not that different now that I'm married. I understood back then (a month ago), that anything you leave in your guest bathroom is subject to be seen by guests. If there's something that I don't want seen, I'm not going to leave in there.
Furthermore, I did not look through her cabinet, as she insinuated. I simply opened the cabinet, tampons were at the front, took what I needed, and closed the cabinet. And how big of a snooping yenta is she? Listening to me while I use the bathroom? Believe me, if my friend stayed overnight in my home, I wouldn't listen to see if he/she opens the bathroom cabinet. That's anal.
And please! I might see her pregnancy tests! Who cares! I know she's (hopefully) fucking her husband! If I happened to see a pregnancy test, I wouldn't think anything of it.
In addition, I think she's lying about not knowing that she was pregnant at the time. I went to her place for shabbos in November. She had the baby in May. I find it hard to believe that she was pregnant for 2 months and didn't know.
At this point, I'm even more annoyed. In her letter, she could've simply said, "I'm sorry." She didn't have to re-state her case to prove her point. If our friendship meant anything to her, she would not have brought up the whole sordid case again, she would've just apologized, and that's it.
Usually if I fight with someone, I'll be the first to apologize, even if I'm not in the wrong. But for some reason, I'm having a hard time letting this one slide.
Am I being petty?
How can I be friends with someone who think so little of me?
I haven't spoken to her since she called in November (and made her initial accusations), and I haven't missed her at all. I don't think I want to patch things up. The only push to do so is knowing that Yom Kippur is coming up and we're supposed to ask people for forgiveness during this time period.
Other then that, I don't need her in my life.
At the time she had one kid.
The shabbos started off terribly, her asshole husband kept purposely mispronouncing my name, I felt that he did this out of lack of respect because I was single.
After friday night dinner we went to her neigbor's for an oneg shabbat which proved to be the most uncomfortable and rude experience I had ever encountered. All the people at the oneg were married couples, and during the entire evening, they completely ignored me. I think they felt that since I was single, I had no life experience and therefore was not able to engage in such high-brow conversation. (Keep in mind, I'm 24, have a bachelor's of science, and have held a great job for 3 years).
At some point during this evening from hell, I started yawning. Suddenly they decided to acknowledge me. "Oh," the hostess said, "we must be boring you with stories of our children."
I politely answered, "No, I'm tired." Then walked out of the apartment, and then returned to my friend's apartment (and promptly burst into tears).
The rest of the shabbos was mediocre, thank G-d it was during the winter and shabbos ended mercifully early.
Two weeks later Lori called me.
"Mir," she said, "I don't want to start a fight or anything. . . but. . ."
"But what?" I inquired.
"Well, when you were at my house for shabbos did you take any tampons?"
In fact, I had. I'd woken up in the middle of the night, needed a tampon, so I opened the door to the cabinet under the sink and took one.
"Yes, I took one or two."
"Don't you think you should have asked first?"
I was completely flabbergasted.
"Well, I didn't think that you'd want me knocking on your door and waking up you, your husband, and baby at 1am."
"You should've asked first."
I was so shocked at being accused of stealing from a friend, that I just said a curt goodbye and hung up the phone.
After that encounter, we didn't speak to each other for months.
I just felt very uncomfortable being friends with someone that takes inventory of their tampon supply (btw, she had a huge box of 80 tampons from Costco, I don't know how she even knew one or two were missing).
Oh, to make matters worse - she was pregnant at the time. So why's she bitching about? She doesn't even need the damn things!
So, the other day, I heard from my friend that she was telling someone about my tampon thievery (this is about 10 months after the situation occured). I realized that it was crazy that this squabble had gone on for so long, so I wrote her this letter:
Dear Lori,
I listened to your voicemail about 3 weeks ago, I have yet to return your call because I feel very awkward speaking to you. Oh, just to let you know, this is not a letter of apology, this is a letter of explanation.
I was extremely shocked the night that you called and accused me of stealing tampons. I could not believe that someone I considered a close friend would ever interpret taking TWO tampons as stealing. In my experience in having guests over and in being a guest, there is an unwritten rule that you don’t have to ask before using toilet paper, band-aids, or tampons. I can’t believe that you a) made a huge deal out of something that cost about 16 cents and b) you were pregnant at the time, what were you doing, expecting me to steal, so you COUNTED???? I can’t fathom that a friend would do this. It’s like you were expecting me to take something so you took inventory.
And please don’t say to me, “Mirra, you yourself were telling me over Shabbos that your roommate stole from you, and now you’re taking things from me???”
This is a completely different situation. That girl took items that were high money value, after I specifically told her that she couldn’t use them. Also you were my supposed FRIEND, I never realized that I needed to ask before taking tampons.
I suggest that in the future, you think a little bit before you call people you consider friends and make rude accusations. Maybe think a little bit about how it will affect your friendship with them. I’m your friend, not your husband, or family member, I don’t have to love you unconditionally. When someone calls me up and accuses me of stealing, it makes it hard to be their friend in return.
I felt uncomfortable inviting someone to my wedding that blatantly accused me of stealing.
The only thing that I regret is the fact that this issue wasn’t addressed sooner.
~Mir
I received this reply:
Dear Mir,
First of all, I agree that this was a stupid way to lose what was a good friendship. Second of all, I did not take inventory of my tampons. I did not know at the time that I was pregnant. I was upset not because you necessarily took tampons...it wasn't the point. The point was you went into my cabinet to look for the tampons. I had pregnancy tests in there that I didn't want seen. The reason I knew you took tampons is cuz I heard you open the cabinet. I was expecting my period (only I was pregnant and didn't know it), so I needed (or so I thought) a sufficient amount of tampons. The only reason I brought it up to you is cuz I thought you would understand where I was coming from as far as going through my things, since you told me about your roomate situation. I, in no way, meant for it to be blown out of proportion, certainly not to lose a friendship over it. Had I had known that it was going to turn out this way, I never would have mentioned it. I wasn't calling you a stealer. I was trying to make a point that it's not appropriate to look in people's cabinets. Yes, as a guest, toilet paper and additional needs are allowed to be used. However, because I had pregnancy tests in there and didn't want them seen, it would be have been thoughtful of you to ask me to borrow tampons. You know I'm not that much of a bitch that I wouldn't allow you to use my tampons. Yes, I know they're not expensive. I figure since you and I have been friends for a long time, you would not feel uncomfortable to tell me you had your period and ask me for tampons. Let's say (since you're married now) that I had a terrible headache while being a guest in your house, I would not go looking for tylenol. I would ask you for it because it's not my place to look through your medicine cabinet to find it. Maybe you had prenatal vitamins in there that you didn't want me to see. I'm trying to get you to be in my shoes at the time and see my view of the situation. I guess we were both because of our pride didn't bother calling one another to discuss the situation. Therefore, I missed out on a good friend's engagement and wedding, and you missed out on having me involved in the celebrations.
If you feel like patching up our friendship, you can call me. I don't have access to the internet at home currently, so I won't be able to check for an e-mail reply til who knows when.
-Lori
Ok, so now I'm a little confused, but I still feel as though she's in the wrong.
I find it condescending that she wrote, "Since you're married now."
Oh, before marriage I was an immature singleton and my bathroom was a free for all? I'm not that different now that I'm married. I understood back then (a month ago), that anything you leave in your guest bathroom is subject to be seen by guests. If there's something that I don't want seen, I'm not going to leave in there.
Furthermore, I did not look through her cabinet, as she insinuated. I simply opened the cabinet, tampons were at the front, took what I needed, and closed the cabinet. And how big of a snooping yenta is she? Listening to me while I use the bathroom? Believe me, if my friend stayed overnight in my home, I wouldn't listen to see if he/she opens the bathroom cabinet. That's anal.
And please! I might see her pregnancy tests! Who cares! I know she's (hopefully) fucking her husband! If I happened to see a pregnancy test, I wouldn't think anything of it.
In addition, I think she's lying about not knowing that she was pregnant at the time. I went to her place for shabbos in November. She had the baby in May. I find it hard to believe that she was pregnant for 2 months and didn't know.
At this point, I'm even more annoyed. In her letter, she could've simply said, "I'm sorry." She didn't have to re-state her case to prove her point. If our friendship meant anything to her, she would not have brought up the whole sordid case again, she would've just apologized, and that's it.
Usually if I fight with someone, I'll be the first to apologize, even if I'm not in the wrong. But for some reason, I'm having a hard time letting this one slide.
Am I being petty?
How can I be friends with someone who think so little of me?
I haven't spoken to her since she called in November (and made her initial accusations), and I haven't missed her at all. I don't think I want to patch things up. The only push to do so is knowing that Yom Kippur is coming up and we're supposed to ask people for forgiveness during this time period.
Other then that, I don't need her in my life.
posted by Mir @ 9:42 AM
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